Youth Sports and Character Development (Part III)

By Mike Kayes

Life lessons through sports

There are multiple life lessons that can be learned through a properly focused athletic program. Here are a few real-life experiences.

Lesson 8 – With great talent comes great responsibility

It was obvious to everyone that Luke was an outstanding athlete with unlimited potential as a basketball player. He was a head taller than every player his age, was self-confident, and had remarkable skills. He was 12 years old. His dad was a college athlete, and I knew he could see the potential in his oldest son. I also knew his dad understood what needed to be addressed. Since Luke was so much better than everyone else, he had a tendency to get lazy. He wasn’t being challenged. So, I had an idea and shared it with his dad.

“Luke has a world of talent, but no one is pushing him. We can let him continue as is, not really trying very hard, but I don’t think that is the best for him as a person or as a player,” I said.

“I agree, he’s lazy,” his dad said.

“So, how about if I guard him in the scrimmages and push him a little bit?” I said.

“Kick his butt,” his dad said. Which is basically what I did to his 12-year-old son. I blocked his shots, pushed him away from rebounds, and blew by him to score repeated lay-ups. I gave no quarter that day. After practice I went up to Luke and said, let’s talk. I could see that he was a bit shaken.

“Luke, you are the most talented player here by far,” I said. This picked up his spirits a bit. “But because of that, you have to give a greater effort than the other players.” He looked a bit puzzled.

“You have the ability to achieve greatness, but you can’t get there on talent alone. You have to work harder because you are more talented, not work less. Does that make sense?” I said. He nodded his head. He got it.

Fast forward, Luke was a non-scholarship player at a major basketball program. As he focused on making the team and earning a scholarship (which he did), he said to the coach that he could promise one thing – No one would out work him. Luke now wears an NCAA National Championship ring.

With talent comes great responsibility. It might require a dose of tough love, but you have to embrace it.

Lesson 9 – You can’t save them all, but you should try to

I first started coaching Maurice when he was 9 years old at a local YMCA. He was tall and skinny, not very skilled, but was blazing fast, and a remarkably natural athlete. I will never forget the glow on his grandmother’s face as I talked about Maurice and his amazing potential as an athlete. I think she hoped that I would stay involved in his life after the season ended.

Here is what happens in most youth sports experiences involving a coach and a promising young player. A bond is established, and the player receives a lot of attention during the season. All this ends after the season is over. The coach goes back to his job, family neighborhood, maybe on to coaching another sport. But what happens to the player? In some cases the player does the same thing. He returns to his family, neighborhood, plays another sport. But some can’t. Why?

Maurice’s dad has been in prison his entire life. His mom is a drug addict, who used to take him to Target to shoplift. She once took off and left him there to avoid being apprehended. He was about 6 years old at the time. Maurice had no place to go back to. That’s the point, and situations like these are not all that rare.

To be impactful, and to change lives, to develop life-changing character requires more than being a dedicated coach for one season. It requires way more than that. Few coaches have the time and energy to continue the relationship after the season, but that is what it takes.

On that 9-year-old YMCA basketball team my oldest son was one of Maurice’s teammates. Once we became aware of Maurice’s challenging home situation, my wife and I discussed adopting him, but since we had two other children, we decided not to. It is one of my deepest regrets as a coach and as a Christian.

I kept an eye on Maurice over the next ten years or so, during which time he struggled in school, and struggled to escape the generational poverty and negative influences of his environment. He was arrested and served time, but still I was hopeful. One time we were together after he was released from prison, and he asked me for money to pay his phone bill. This was our conversation.

“Maurice, I will never give you money. You are too good for that. You are smart, talented, strong and capable of taking care of yourself.” He got mad at me, but I felt it was the right message to deliver.

During his second time in prison he wrote me a letter, in which he stated his sincere desire to be a better dad than his own dad was to him. I encouraged him to make better decisions in his life and said that I would be there to help.

I also spent time with his grandmother and helped her cope with old age maladies. All this was way above my paygrade as a basketball coach. When does our responsibility to the less fortunate end? What do we do when what is required of us is way beyond our comfort zone? When government programs aren’t producing workable solutions, what is our responsibility? All tough questions.

The bottom line is that even heartfelt efforts often can’t overcome societal biases and negative neighborhood influences. Maurice is currently back in prison, serving a six-year sentence. I lost this one and I feel I could have done better.

Lesson 10 – Loving every kid does not mean treating them all the same

How should a coach measure his effectiveness at the end of the season in terms of building character? Not an easy thing to do. Why? Because most of what a coach does is carefully and intentionally planting seeds to grow future leaders, wonderful parents and citizens. In most cases he won’t see the fruits of his efforts until many years later, if even then.

At a recent parent meeting at the high school where I currently coach basketball, a parent asked an insightful question – How will I measure the success of the season? I knew he was concerned that I wasn’t focused enough on the win-loss ratio. I can get a bit too preachy during parent meetings. I had to answer his question honestly and this is what I said – “I will know we had successful season when these guys grow up to be amazing fathers and husbands.”

All the moms in attendance smiled. Not quite all the dads…

Back to the point of Lesson 10. Over nearly three decades of coaching, I’ve never coached two kids who were exactly the same. Kids come from different backgrounds, parental philosophies, and family situations. They all have different skills, abilities, and learning capabilities. They also come in all sizes and shapes, with different temperaments, emotions and sensitivities.

A coach has to earn the trust of each player, and this involves openness, consistency, discipline, and creativity. Why creativity? Because each person is unique as I have described. The skillful coach intuitively realizes what each player needs in each particular situation. Tenderness, understanding, tough love, and encouragement all factor into the mix. When done in the right balance at the right time, kids blossom. But sometimes even the most experienced and dedicated coach gets it wrong. I know I have multiple times. Still, we keep trying, always with the long-term best interest of the kid in mind.

Lesson 11 – Be bold and have a religious agenda.

Coaching kids has always been a spirit-filled experience for me. One time a parent went to the headmaster of the charter public school at which I was coaching basketball and he complained, stating accusingly – “The coach has a religious agenda.”

Called before the headmaster I said, “Yes I do. I want each kid to know that God loves them.”

She said, “Keep doing what you’re doing.”

Interesting response. What are we doing when we coach kids? It completely depends on the coach’s agenda. Is the coach trying to win games at any cost, to boost his own ego? That happens a lot, unfortunately. Is he coaching primarily to live through his own kid, even to fulfill a personal dream he fell short of achieving? That happens a lot, too.

Fortunately lots of coaches coach for the right reasons. What are those reasons, specifically?

There are four right reasons to coach youth:

1. To build character
2. To show God’s love through the power of the Holy Spirit
3. To challenge them to become the best they are capable of becoming
4. To build a strong enough relationship that will endure beyond the season and hopefully for the rest of their lives – Once a coach, always a coach.

Every school or youth sports organization should ask each candidate applying for a coaching position this pivotal question – Why do you want to coach? If the candidate doesn’t answer – to build character then he shouldn’t be hired. But the questioning should not stop there. The candidate should be able to articulate how he is going to develop character, as it is a concept virtually everyone supports, but very few understand how it is accomplished. Virtually everyone talks the talk, but far fewer walk the walk. Why?

Because ego and pridefulness often get in the way and most coaches tend to have a high level of both. It takes tremendous self-control, for example, not to yell at the referee after a questionable call late in a closely contested game. It takes even more self-control and humility to be genuinely happy for the other team when you lose a close game. Demonstrating true character and love for others before self is never easy, but they are at the heart of character development. If the coach can’t model these challenging behaviors in the heat of battle, how are the players going to learn to do the same? It just won’t happen.

Lesson 12 – Expect more, get more

I was coaching a JV team at a Christian School, and it was a game mid-way into the season. Down one, 14 seconds on the clock, we had the ball. I called time out, something I seldom did (see Lesson 13). All the players circled up expecting me to reveal the game-winning play. I looked at Kyle, our point guard, our best player, who just happened to be our youngest player by two grades. He wasn’t quite ready to be the leader I knew he was capable of being. Some of the older players weren’t ready to acknowledge his superior ability. I took a chance that Kyle was ready to step up.

“Kyle, you are our best player, get the ball, attack the basket, and score.” Which is exactly what he did, scoring the winning basket with only a few seconds left on the clock. From that point forward Kyle was the definitive leader of our team. When a player trusts his coach, and only when he does, can you hand him a role or challenge in the heat of the moment, that he hasn’t faced and overcome before. It’s a gamble on the coach’s part, because failure can be devastating for the player, but if the player succeeds his self-confidence will soar. The coach has to know his players and trust his instincts, and shouldn’t make this decision out of a sense of panic or desperation. A coach must always remember that losing can be more beneficial to character development than winning. Don’t make a decision that sacrifices character development in hopes of pulling out a last second victory, you might not deserve.

Why can losing be more valuable than winning in terms of character development? Put in proper perspective, losing teaches humility, an essential component of character development. Moreover, losing can remind players that more work needs to be done. It can lead to self-assessment about their level of effort, their commitment to working harder in practices. It can also open dialogue as to roles and teamwork and mental mistakes made during the defeat. Players need to own their mistakes, attitude, and effort. All a big part of character development.

Lesson 13 – Don’t bail them out. Let the kids figure it out.

In most games coaching youth for nearly three decades, I rarely called timeouts. Why? Basketball is a very dynamic game, and kids need to learn how to figure things out under pressure. Leaders emerge under the pressure of close games, especially when the coach doesn’t try to control things too much.

During one close high school game against our arch-rival, Tylan looked at me, a bit frustrated with the last two possessions. Our matchups were wrong on defense, and we were not using our back cuts in our dribble weave offense. He came over close to me after a foul was called stopping play.

“The matchups are wrong,” he said.

“Yep. Match them up. Look for the back cut on dribble weave,” I said.

Tylan immediately took control. He made a defensive switch and then hit a teammate on a classic back door pass for an easy bucket. On the next offensive possession he called a different play and scored on a smooth floater in the lane. Tylan was an amazing athlete and had great competitive instincts. Throughout that season I would often look at Tylan and simply tell him to figure it out. I knew he could. He just had to know that I knew he could.

Lesson 14 – Demand personal integrity of ALL coaches and players

As far as I’m aware, there isn’t a school at any level in any state in our country that teaches a course called Personal Integrity. I’m not sure why, since I can’t think of anything more important to teach kids. It’s way more important than learning calculus or geometry, or biology or chemistry, yet those courses are taught in every school, while personal integrity isn’t.

Not to worry, a coach can teach that quite effectively. Just make a covenant with the players, then model it, discuss it, reinforce it, and demand accountability. Piece of cake, right?

Let’s discuss each component here a bit more, because obviously none of this is easy to do. First, establishing a covenant is only meaningful if there is some level of trust and respect between the players and coach. Any covenant won’t mean much without it. The players must believe that the coach will respect confidentiality and that he has their best interests at heart.

Second, the coach has to be honest and demonstrate integrity in every aspect of his life. Kids will be hypersensitive to even a hint of hypocrisy. Coaches need to be thoughtful, considerate, never mean spirited or too cynical.

Third, defining and discussing personal integrity must happen repeatedly so the concept sinks in, and the kids buy into it. It consists of more than simply telling the truth, although that is the foundation post. It includes giving one’s best effort, showing up on time consistently. Being dependable and accepting your role on the team are essential components. Striving to exceed expectations is an important aspect of personal integrity.

Fourth, reinforcement is critical. This isn’t a concept that can be embraced after one pre-practice devotional. It has to be lived out and examined frequently.

Fifth, everyone has to be accountable. Forgiveness and grace need to be part of the process, as each person, coaches and players, will all fall short at times.

Lesson 15 – Coaching ability matters

A coach who has never played the sport he is coaching will struggle to be impactful.

I was practicing the long jump at a local high school track during the 20+ years I spent competing in masters track & field. When I finished my workout I noticed that there were a bunch of high school kids over at the discus cage. I walked over slowly and watched. What I witnessed was just awful, but not surprising. None of the kids had any clue what they were doing. They were all goofing off, and several were standing inside the netting while other kids were throwing, a definite safety violation. A man was watching them, giving them very little advice. None of the kids seemed to be paying any attention to the coach.

“Hi. Are you the throws coach” I asked.

“Yes,” he answered.

“Ever throw before?” I said.

“No, I’m a science teacher,” he said chuckling.

“Mind if I help out? I said.

“Please do.”

I immediately called all the kids together and started coaching them. We began with basic safety rules, then I showed them how to hold the discus, get it to spin off the index finger and how to release the discus from the power position, hips open shoulders closed. Since I could throw a lot better than any of the kids, they listened and started to learn. Why would any kid interested in learning to throw the discus pay attention to a science teacher who has never thrown one? Of course they won’t. And if they won’t listen, how is the coach going to teach character development?

In most schools, teachers get the first option to coach most of the secondary sports. Schools will usually make sure the football or basketball, or baseball coach has played before, but in a lot of the other sports previous experience isn’t a requirement. That approach sets up coaches to fail at character development. Why? Because kids tune him out as soon as they realize he doesn’t know what he is talking about. If he can’t teach them how to throw the discus why would they listen to him about personal integrity or seek his advice about a personal challenge? It just won’t happen in most cases.

At the same time, just because a candidate for a coaching position has played the sport, even at the college or even professional level, does not guarantee he understands character development.

Published with permission of americanpolicy.org